This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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