Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
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