He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
They took my balls.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
