Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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