you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
