I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
