My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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