I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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