Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
