I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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