I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
