Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
