I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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