I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
