Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
