My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
