i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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