Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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