I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
