From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
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