Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
only if we run a train.
done.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
