I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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