Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
