i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
