Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
