The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
