i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
