Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
