sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
