i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
