i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't want my vagina anymore.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
