The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
