My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
