Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
