you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Green mimosas i think yes
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
