I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
