I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
