We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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