My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
