I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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