I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
