well I can't set my house on fire every night
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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