How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
