Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
