do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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