It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
