I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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