You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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