I haven't been this sober since birth.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
