I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
