So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
