I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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