i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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