Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
